I’m sorry. 26 years and I don’t think I have ever really said anything nice or appreciated anything about you. Instead I have spent countless hours in front of the mirror just poking, pulling and frowning at your existence. I’m sorry.
I remember when I was a little girl, I kept pointing at my ten year old chest and asking my mom when I’m going to get boobs and look like a real woman. I heard a few older girls talk about how your boobs got larger if you jumped around without a bra on so instead of actually going outside and playing like I should have, I stood in front of the mirror and jumped till my legs hurt. I guess I was ten, I didn’t know any better – but still I’m sorry.
I remember in high school instead of appreciating you for being tall and athletic, I slunk around trying hard to look short and hating myself for being the tall lanky ‘surf board’. I let people call you surf board – teenagers are mean! All the kids in school used to relentlessly make fun of you saying you were too flat and I never once stood up and defended you. Too flat? What does that even mean? I let the comments get to me – I hated taking my clothes off and when I did take them off I would just be disgusted at you for being too flat. I should have understood that you were not too flat, you were still growing and I should have appreciated the fact that you were healthy and strong – I’m sorry.
Then I let go and stopped taking care of you. I didn’t just indulge, I just let go and didn’t bother. I never thought of how you might need to exercise, never thought about how you would feel about alcohol and never cared about how going on various fad diets would affect you. I did like to criticise, compare you to everyone else and then blame you for being out of shape and fat when really this was a result of all my abuse. Even then, I could have admired you. I always wanted boobs and I finally had them but no I wanted to focus on how round my stomach looked and how I couldn’t fit in to size zero clothes like the rest of my friends. All of a sudden I was hating on you for not being the ‘surf board’ body that I hated in high school! I’m sorry.
Then there’s the whole skin issue. I’m Asian which means you are dark – but for me that was hard to live with. I wished I was fair skinned. When people made comments about how I was pretty I would have looked if I was only a little fairer, I agreed. When my boyfriend said I was beautiful, I would reply with ‘yea but if I was fair then I would look better’. I’m SO sorry.
But things are going to change.
This past year, I have grown up a lot – and I am have begun to stop frowning at the mirror so much and I am embracing you more and more every day. I have made a lot of promises about changing and so its only fair to make a promise to you. I promise you that I will always take of you and take ownership for any damage I cause to you. I promise that I am not going to let some skewed idea of perfection blind me from appreciating you for all that you are and all that you will be. I know that you will change as time goes on but I want to thank you for being patient with me and putting up with me.